Public Transportation and Me.

Alright, I’m going to admit it. I didn’t learn how to drive until I was 20 years old. Yes,twenty. You see, I lived in Gresham and was residing about ten minutes away from a MAX stop. It’s a wonder that I didn’t get shot. So there was really no need beyond personal safety to have and drive a car. So I used a lot of public transportation. Partially why I’m such an avid music lover is the fact that I constantly was updating my music library to have stuff to listen to whilst on my adventures around town. I didn’t get my license until a month before my 21^st birthday, and didn’t get a car until 2 years later.

One day, when I was about 22 years old, I was headed to my orthodontist (because I had ajacked up grill. Yes, that’s Greshamese for my teeth were fucking horrible) to get my braces tightened. My orthodontist was near Clackamas Town Center, so that means I got the joy of riding the 82^nd avenue bus to its natural conclusion at the suburban mall full of broken dreams and Slipknot jeans. (huh, that rhymed. Not intentional…) I sat in front of this woman that was obviously quite slow and had a pleothra of whiskers growing out of her double chin. Now, 82^ndavenue is a rather busy area for the public transportation system, so it was a bus that grew quite crowded rather quickly. As seats were growing more difficult to find, this old lady that could barely keep her balance while the bus was moving climbed aboard and moved to the back with her bags full of god-knows-what.

She asked the whiskered woman if she could sit there…and whisker face went god damned fucking ballistic. “I’m standing up for myself for the first time ever! No you cannot sit next to me!” I looked at whisker-bitch, told her that she was extremely rude and scooted my booty over so the old woman could rest her weary bones. Whisker-bitch continued to freak out and flap her hairy gums for about another 10 minutes until a kind gent told her rather bluntly that she really was being disruptive. So she quietly mumbled to herself for a bit. Some kids got on and went to go ask her if they could sit next to her. Already kind of pissed about the previous encounter, I let them know that she was being obstinate and rude about the whole situation…and then,

AND THEN WHISKER-BITCH SMACKED ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!11!!!!!!1

I’m not kidding. We were by Johnson Creek Blvd. and she was still freaking the fuck out. Screaming, muppet hands, the whole nine yards. So of course at this point the bus driver became involved. I was sitting there, fucking pissed that I had just gotten slapped by some woman on 82^nd with whiskers and running late for my orthodontist’s appointment. And he was a grumpy orthodontist. About 15 minutes later, the bus driver finally figured out who was the antagonist in the situation and threw whisker-bitch off the bus. She continued to yell at me up until the point that the bus drove off.

And that, folks, is why I avoid MAX, Trimet and all things public transportation-y like it’s the god damned plague.

Kristen Bowie was the board operator for the Rick Emerson Show.She also co-hosted a punk rock show with Sara Dylan on KUFO. Public Transportation and Me. By Kristen Thursday November 12, 2009